What's the big IKEA?
You see, I knew this would happen.
As soon as I spot the massive blue building with its unmistakable chunky yellow lettering, the panic starts.
And as I crawl forward in the traffic jam of IKEA devotees that is already forming at 9am this midweek morning, I make a mental check list of why I have never, ever, set foot inside one of this Swedish company's 296 stores in 36 countries around the globe.
Because everyone on the planet, it seems, has stocked up on stylish this and affordable that, in IKEA, it makes me feel slightly smug, that I have never joined this jolly thong.
People are usually gobsmacked when I confess this - how can I live my life without one of their jaunty cushions or funky rugs?
But to me this is something - along with never buying a lottery ticket or never reading a Dan Brown book - to hang onto in a confusing world.
Also, and this is a big one as I am someone who suffers choice anxiety when buying a shampoo, I am not that keen on bringing on that retail-based disorder a hundred times magnifold when faced with literally hundreds of pendant lights, some, I see from the brochure, impossibly trendy and the size of a small moon.
And when confronted by a huge brand heading for world domination, however peace, love and lovely meatballs its ethos is, my inner voice usually starts screaming 'resist, resist, resist' over and over again til I get the message.
There are not many brands bigger than IKEA, but when I eventually make it into the new Southampton store and meet marketing manager Rob Cooper, he is refreshingly unbrand - bigging it up obviously, but in an understated way. This is an excellent ploy by him as it immediately endears me to it.
We chat in the vibrant staff canteen with its cheery employees (all same-rank 'co-workers') and appetising-looking food (subsidises for healthy choices) and he sympathises with my syndrome. I tell him my husband refused to come with me, aghast at the idea, and Rob laughs and says: "Oh, bottled out, did he?!
"It is not for everyone," he goes on. "It is a bit of a marmite thing. You either love it or hate it."
His sister hates it, apparently, especially the way IKEA stores get you to take a designated route so you see all stock to its best advantage, arranged in 'rooms', before you pick up your flatpacks (gulp) at the end of the interior decor tour.
I ask Rob if he has any tips for an IKEA virgin to stop me hyperventilating, and he smiles and tells me to just 'go with the flow and enjoy'.
I set off down the IKEA trail which I can't help but think of as the yellow brick road. And this leads straight into the first 'room', a lounge - which I love! Damn. There's a chair in the exact colour I have been looking for, a great raffia lampshade, and a cool square retro clock.
I tell myself to get a grip as a feeling of inadequancy (at my own decor efforts) mixed with avarice ("I want one! I want two!") starts to take hold.
I wander through folksy rooms and funky (that word again) rooms chanting "I don't need it, I don't need it" as I spot more goodies.All well designed, of course, and all affordable. Double damn.
Rob had explained to me the hoops the designers go through, starting off with a price - say 97p for a mug - and coming up with the best design possible at that cost.
Quite a challenge, but you can see their valiant efforts everywhere - from the best-selling Billy bookcases and trademark Poang chairs, to the stacks of little multi-coloured dishes and assorted sofas.
It is all fairly exhausting though, for someone like me - there are 9,000 product ranges here, after all, over 34,000 square metres, and I get a powerful urge to sit by the window and look out onto the real world, as I eat gravalax (there is a queue for the famous meatballs) and reflect in the, yes you've guessed it, funky, restaurant.
Everyone, apart from one man I spotted mopping his brow and muttering 'Jesus' under his breath, looks happy to be there, and a nice, retired couple from Emsworth I am sitting next to explain the appeal.
"We have been visiting IKEA stores for 15 years," they say. "We just love the colour and the buzz."
A boy, no older than ten, says to his mum with glistening eyes: "I am going to save up for one of those sofas." Not a cool bike, an Xbox or a guitar, you understand; an IKEA sofa. For a ten year old.
The spookiness continues as, after lunch, I come across a whole family sitting serenely in a line on a sofa in a jazzy sitting room looking as though they had landed on planet bliss.
You see, this is how it gets you, and you can totally see why.
In the end, I didn't panic, I didn't flee and I certainly didn't hate it, as I thought I might. Its cartoon cheeriness inspired me on a rainy day and, yes, I might even be brave enough to buy something on a return visit.
How it is for you?
Wayne Hemingway, designer, Chichester
"I refuse to shop in an IKEA. I don't like shopping at the best of times and trecking round shops that size where it's almost impossible to take short cuts to the checkout fills me with dread.
"But I don't mind Gerardine (Wayne's wife) coming home with the well-designed, affordable products that she uncovers (and those Almondy Daim Bar frozen cakes are a treat)."
Visit www.hemingwaydesign.co.uk
Professor Pamela Howard, OBE, theatre set designer, Selsey
"I love the small objects from IKEA for their shape, form and colour. They do this particularly well.
"I have a set of green mixing bowls hanging up against my kitchen window with the outside light coming through, and they give me joy to see every day.
"I often use IKEA textiles in my theatre works especially their timeless quilts that have been made into Elizabethan skirts, and nets and voile curtains that take dye well and I can overlay over other materials.
"I have several storage items in my studio which are practical and pleasant to work with, though self assembly is not my favourite occupation.
"One has to have imagination looking through the catalogue to see how to use items other than the way suggested!"
Visit www.pamelahoward.co.uk
Jo Colby-Relf, IKEA enthusiastic, Chichester
"I was rather excited when I heard about IKEA opening in Southampton and made a date for a friends and family trip to go and have a good nose.
"I brought a new wardrobe on this occasion - huge it was, didn't look as big online! My bedroom (pictured) is furnished with three sets of IKEA drawers, a bedside table, rug and wardrobe.
"My favourite and most used purchase though is my trusty 3.71 grater. It has different grating attachments and a bowl with a lid to keep the cheese fresh.
"I know it sounds sad but where would we be without our graters?!"
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Tuesday 29 May 2012
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