Barkes at Large introduces the first in an occasional series of Top Tens.
Having last week been stuck in a lift for a short while, here is my list of The Top Ten People You Would Not Want to be Stuck in a Lift With.
10 – Kerry Katona
With a voice that could strip industrial-strength paint, you’d be subjected to all the tawdry details of her latest reality TV show.
You would also have to dodge the paparazzi, who following a tip-off as to her whereabouts would be frantically scribbling ‘Kerry: My Terrifying Lift Hell’ for the tabloids.
9 – Wayne Rooney
Apart from only understanding one word in every five due to his tendency to grunt, you might also have trouble explaining to the other half why you were also stuck in a lift with a couple of not-so-high-class escorts.
8 – Nick Clegg
You’d lose your hanky as Cleggy would swipe it to staunch his tears.
Bleating about how unfair it is being the leader of the Liberal Democrats, and the constant criticism that now goes with it, he might also try to explain to you his principles and values.
On the plus side, this would be a very short narrative.
7 – Sarah Ferguson
She would be blubbing as well, no doubt about her lack of cash and how nobody understands her.
The temptation to chuck yourself down the lift shaft in a bid to escape her would be a serious contemplation.
6 – Rebekah Brooks
The former newspaper editor would spend her time trying to convince you she knew nothing about any kind of phone hacking.
I suppose when you got bored of listening to this familiar refrain, you could pass the time by playing ‘spot the flying pig’.
5 – Paul Burrell
This stain on society would regale you with his Diana stories.
That done he would endeavour to sell you his latest piece of Diana-related tat, ignoring the fact you were desperately trying to saw your ears off with your door key in order to avoid his ghastly drivel.
4 – A Take That fan
A woman in her 30s, you would be driven to distraction by her tales of how she fell in love with ‘the boys’ in her teens and was, like, OMG! when they reformed.
She will force you to view pictures of her and her mates at one of their comeback gigs, probably featuring too much cleavage and far too little decorum.
3 – A Sci-fi fan
You’ll wish there were little green men out there and that one of them might show up and blast this crashing bore into a galaxy far, far away.
From ‘fascinating’ facts about Dr Who to how they made their Spock costume for the recent convention in Basingstoke, they’ll confess to hoping the lift doors open in time for them to get home for tea as mum has the chops on the table on the dot of 5pm.
2 – Sir Cliff Richard
He would sing, try to flog you his wine, or pressurise you to sign a petition to get his songs played on the radio.
1 – Alexander Meerkat
Once mildly amusing, this irritating little piece of vermin would implore you to ‘compare the market’ and tell you that mending the lift was ‘simples’.
When you were eventually rescued you would get arrested for the wilful murder of one of advertising’s best-loved creations.