‘A contrived motoring event?’

I THINK I’ve had a brainwave: why don’t I use my back garden for a contrived motoring event? I could invite famous drivers to drive up my hill, the end of which no-one can see. They wouldn’t actually drive against each other, but against the clock.

It’s an idea the London Olympics could adopt for the men’s 100m final – just imagine the excitement of Mr Bolt racing against... nobody...

I’d also to do it over a 20-year period, so no-one will see the creeping growth of my idea. Then I would hire in some jet planes to shake all the local houses and frighten thousands of animals within a five-mile radius.

But my masterstroke would be to stage it alongside the worst city bypass in the country, creating ten-mile tailbacks for three days, risking the lives of those who cannot reach the local hospital and disrupting the lives of tens of thousands of my neighbours. Happily though, local hotels and taxis would do great business.

Hang on though. What about another similar event three months later? No, that’s going too far, and wouldn’t be permitted by the authorities. Unless I could get myself ennobled...

Nigel Lockley